the ghost of vivica by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
the ghost of vivica
she always thought that she would die
like marilyn, a still life of beauty, of release,
painted in pain and silk sheets,
and sometimes life does hold that image,
but never death.
she wasn't ready-
that’s what she tells me.
she doesn't tell me much, though.
gossamer skin wrapping bird bones
into a lithe bundle named vivica,
soft curls spilling
claims her head’s always spinning,
always swimming in the sea of pills
she swallowed
i hear her hollow voice
singing or sobbing- i can never tell,
but it plays softly every night,
sometimes in whispers,
a symphony of stories
she weaves about her past,
lulling me to sleep so easily,
and i d
and the snakes are in my skin
underneath, the sin is sewn in,
my bones drip deceit and unhappiness
i can lie for a time but
wont you please just let me in
accept me for who i am
i can share all the skin you want
but i don't have a heart for you to stop
i'm afraid i don't have a heart
for you to haunt
but i can lie for a time
if you'll please just let me in
into your bed, under your skin,
i cant fall asleep in your arms
but i can make your head spin
i'm sorry if i wasn't what you were looking for
but it was you who knocked on that door
saying, love, please just let me in,
into your heart and your heart i'll win
i couldn't make you see
that
to fade or to stay the same by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
to fade or to stay the same
in the deepest, calmest hours of the night,
when you have naught but your own company,
i hope your mind reaches out to memories of me,
i hope they wash over you like waves of the sea.
i hope that you can still find comfort
in my presence beside you,
like a moth to a brilliant flame,
know that i will always find you.
i hope that even when you are alone,
you do not feel lonely,
because you carry thoughts of me with you,
just like i do, for you only.
i hope that waking up next to me
fills you with such contentment
as it does for me, because
you are my favorite sentiment.
hope is in all of us. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
hope is in all of us.
i want to shed this snake skin
over and over until
i am raw, and new, and alive again.
i want to sew my eyes shut
and be blind until
there is something worth seeing.
i want to hibernate through this era
and stay asleep until
the next ice age comes
and the slate of this planet
has been wiped clean,
i want to begin again,
i want to change,
i want to transform into something
that can survive her own mind.
i want to escape,
i want to run away,
i want to create something new.
i want to be found in every lonely soul-mate,
in every last goodbye,
in every broken home,
in every single person,
under 'new-found hope.'
this is our burden by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
this is our burden
my soul song is the
tea kettles whistle
it expells steam like spirits
and we all wish
we could banish our demons
so easily
these walls are held up
by kind ghosts and curious ghosts
they make a house a home
if you let them
why do you think
the sight of a newly vacant lot
is more sorrowful than
the childrens vacant eyes?
we all carry water vapor inside us,
things that tie us down
to this concrete ground
but we are not tea kettles
and my lips
cannot form the whistle-notes
to expel ghosts
so i carry them
we carry them
to wash away and away and away. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
to wash away and away and away.
i watched the rain melt my car away
it flowed into the spillway,
with all the fish and a stingray.
my street is flooded and it's flushing
all my bad dreams into pipe drains
but they don't quite fit
like how my bones don't sit right in my skin
the rain water seeped down beneath it
and under my sinew to fill a girl who
doesn't think right with thoughts
of evaporation and polarization,
no memory of this medication or my hospitalization,
i stopped worrying about time zones or cell phones
rain is more than the weather, clouds mean more than
"you should put on a sweater," and air currents
were there when you weren't and birds sang
my pen has inked
all that it could about you.
the guts i had for you
have all spilled out.
the emotions i harbored for you
have all evaporated.
your name has become
foreign
to my tongue.
all longing for your skin
had been
scraped
and
peeled
from mine.
my veins have been sucked empty
of any blood of yours.
all of the words you spoke to me
have leaked from my head,
and all those that i spoke to you
have dried up from my mouth.
every part of you that was once part of me is long dead.
and i'm left here to wonder
if those parts
might have been all of me.
call it what you want. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
call it what you want.
it burns so bright inside me
i would scream it from the rooftops,
but i don't want a soul to hear.
no, i want it to be like a secret,
like smoke floating between us,
i want to see green on everyone
when they see us,
green like the ocean,
green like your eyes.
i want to drink you in,
soak you into my skin
and feel you in my bones.
i want your yearnings to be my desires,
your thoughts to be my obsession,
your words to be my voice.
i want
you.
i still don't miss it. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
i still don't miss it.
my hands still
have the contours
of your body
memorized,
and the way
the textures of
our skin
constantly
opposed
each other
still makes me shiver.
the way
your voice
curled
and
drifted
like smoke,
and mine chased it
like a hopeless wind.
the way you
always called me darling,
and i pushed
and
pushed
until you were
too far away
to reach.
anxiety. [full up.] by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
anxiety. [full up.]
and i'm all full up
with that feeling.
you know the one.
it pretends to have a cause.
but it's useless.
and it clings to my bones
like a sinewy second skin.
i tear at the flesh
with my nails and teeth and blades
but i can never get it off.
and i'm full up
with that feeling.
it leaves no room for oxygen
in my lungs
so i drown.
i drown and it
pulls me
with boney fingers
down and
down and
d o w n.
until i can't see the surface,
i can't see the sun.
and i'm full up
with that feeling.
its pitch black
down under.
i don't know how
long it holds me
there,
but just as i
cease struggling
against it
the ghost of vivica by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
the ghost of vivica
she always thought that she would die
like marilyn, a still life of beauty, of release,
painted in pain and silk sheets,
and sometimes life does hold that image,
but never death.
she wasn't ready-
that’s what she tells me.
she doesn't tell me much, though.
gossamer skin wrapping bird bones
into a lithe bundle named vivica,
soft curls spilling
claims her head’s always spinning,
always swimming in the sea of pills
she swallowed
i hear her hollow voice
singing or sobbing- i can never tell,
but it plays softly every night,
sometimes in whispers,
a symphony of stories
she weaves about her past,
lulling me to sleep so easily,
and i d
and the snakes are in my skin
underneath, the sin is sewn in,
my bones drip deceit and unhappiness
i can lie for a time but
wont you please just let me in
accept me for who i am
i can share all the skin you want
but i don't have a heart for you to stop
i'm afraid i don't have a heart
for you to haunt
but i can lie for a time
if you'll please just let me in
into your bed, under your skin,
i cant fall asleep in your arms
but i can make your head spin
i'm sorry if i wasn't what you were looking for
but it was you who knocked on that door
saying, love, please just let me in,
into your heart and your heart i'll win
i couldn't make you see
that
to fade or to stay the same by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
to fade or to stay the same
in the deepest, calmest hours of the night,
when you have naught but your own company,
i hope your mind reaches out to memories of me,
i hope they wash over you like waves of the sea.
i hope that you can still find comfort
in my presence beside you,
like a moth to a brilliant flame,
know that i will always find you.
i hope that even when you are alone,
you do not feel lonely,
because you carry thoughts of me with you,
just like i do, for you only.
i hope that waking up next to me
fills you with such contentment
as it does for me, because
you are my favorite sentiment.
hope is in all of us. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
hope is in all of us.
i want to shed this snake skin
over and over until
i am raw, and new, and alive again.
i want to sew my eyes shut
and be blind until
there is something worth seeing.
i want to hibernate through this era
and stay asleep until
the next ice age comes
and the slate of this planet
has been wiped clean,
i want to begin again,
i want to change,
i want to transform into something
that can survive her own mind.
i want to escape,
i want to run away,
i want to create something new.
i want to be found in every lonely soul-mate,
in every last goodbye,
in every broken home,
in every single person,
under 'new-found hope.'
this is our burden by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
this is our burden
my soul song is the
tea kettles whistle
it expells steam like spirits
and we all wish
we could banish our demons
so easily
these walls are held up
by kind ghosts and curious ghosts
they make a house a home
if you let them
why do you think
the sight of a newly vacant lot
is more sorrowful than
the childrens vacant eyes?
we all carry water vapor inside us,
things that tie us down
to this concrete ground
but we are not tea kettles
and my lips
cannot form the whistle-notes
to expel ghosts
so i carry them
we carry them
to wash away and away and away. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
to wash away and away and away.
i watched the rain melt my car away
it flowed into the spillway,
with all the fish and a stingray.
my street is flooded and it's flushing
all my bad dreams into pipe drains
but they don't quite fit
like how my bones don't sit right in my skin
the rain water seeped down beneath it
and under my sinew to fill a girl who
doesn't think right with thoughts
of evaporation and polarization,
no memory of this medication or my hospitalization,
i stopped worrying about time zones or cell phones
rain is more than the weather, clouds mean more than
"you should put on a sweater," and air currents
were there when you weren't and birds sang
my pen has inked
all that it could about you.
the guts i had for you
have all spilled out.
the emotions i harbored for you
have all evaporated.
your name has become
foreign
to my tongue.
all longing for your skin
had been
scraped
and
peeled
from mine.
my veins have been sucked empty
of any blood of yours.
all of the words you spoke to me
have leaked from my head,
and all those that i spoke to you
have dried up from my mouth.
every part of you that was once part of me is long dead.
and i'm left here to wonder
if those parts
might have been all of me.
anxiety. [full up.] by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
anxiety. [full up.]
and i'm all full up
with that feeling.
you know the one.
it pretends to have a cause.
but it's useless.
and it clings to my bones
like a sinewy second skin.
i tear at the flesh
with my nails and teeth and blades
but i can never get it off.
and i'm full up
with that feeling.
it leaves no room for oxygen
in my lungs
so i drown.
i drown and it
pulls me
with boney fingers
down and
down and
d o w n.
until i can't see the surface,
i can't see the sun.
and i'm full up
with that feeling.
its pitch black
down under.
i don't know how
long it holds me
there,
but just as i
cease struggling
against it
soft spoken with a broken jaw. by vanityisthenewlove, literature
Literature
soft spoken with a broken jaw.
and i can feel my mind whispering to my heart,
you strengthen that which you fight.
and it persists, what you resist.
i know it,
but i can't seem to
rip my grasp
from the burning iron.
the pain is tangent,
this is not.
the scars are answers,
this is the question.
what question?
i couldn't voice it if you asked me.
but you begged.
and begged.
and i tried to
force the words
from my throat,
but i don't have a gag reflex.
i have not a fear of death,
a definitive end does not
entice the dark recesses of my mind.
my real fear is so much harder to hide,
a fear of the opposite, a fear of life.
you couldn't understand, you
take comfort in the feeling of
your heart beatbeatbeating
and in the rush of blood
through your young veins
you embrace life, constantly
being grateful just for being
alive. but i, i just don't.
i can't, really. my chest shudders
as i pull in breath. it only calms
at the attack of nicotine,
my blood sloshes lazily through
the hollows of my veins. it only rushes
at the prick of the needle.
these warnings of impending
death a
if alice in wonderland was set in 2012, by ohsostarryeyed, literature
Literature
if alice in wonderland was set in 2012,
i might cut my hair if it didn't remind me of you,
but just like the fade from september into the pits of october,
i fall.
down
the
rabbit
hole.
i'm not alice, this isn't wonderland, but i am just as surrounded by things that yell,
"eat me! drink me!" and they don't say it but i know they'll all make me bigger,
sadder, fatter, too big to fit into a house, my arms my legs come shooting out,
everything i feel is just too loud-
look.
i should be better than i am.
i should be taking the world by the shoulders, shaking back its shoulders because i am a storm, i am a force of nature and you will take notice-
but my winds are quiet